I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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