You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
