Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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