david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
