i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
