Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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