My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
