...so i touched it.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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