evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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