soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
