I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
