I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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