My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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