Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize