so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
