Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
