i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
