I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
