My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
