I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
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