Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
