omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
