If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
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I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
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He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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