i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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