I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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