I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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