apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
