I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
