I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
