y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
