Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
