My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
