Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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