my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
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