I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
