he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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