You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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