Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
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You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
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I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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