The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
