what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
