i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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