dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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