Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
