8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
