yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I wish life had little blips of pornography
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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