i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
