I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
