I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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