Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
