Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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