You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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