Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
