I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
