Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
