I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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