do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
