Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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