So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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