is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
