I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
