Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
