this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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