The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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