i think my mom watched the whole time
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
